Ranting About Being Me
The Miss Universe Question for tonight is : If you were not in this competition, where would you be right now?
Translation : If you were not practicing that particular profession, what would you be doing right now?
The answer : I would probably be living in solitude, harnessing my talents while working as a full-fledged multi-media artist. Mr. Penguin could come with me, too, if he wants to. (Whoa! Thunderous applause!!! As if the world cares about honesty. Most people would say that they were content with their lives and that they would have chosen the same path to be where they are right now because they would like to think that they could not have been who they are now if they had chosen other things. That’s bullshit. We all could have been better people if we chose the other road—the cliché that goes like ‘the road less traveled.’)
This is what you could call frustration-derived-from-cowardice-or-from-fear-of-rebelling-with-what-the-world-expects-from-you. You realize that you are living the life you would not want to live, had you any other options, because you know, deep inside you, you settled for something-that-would-do and not for the best that you want for yourself.
I remember my parents words back in college : You take this course, it will put food on your table for the rest of your life (yes, even if you are already retired because by then, you would be living comfortably from your pension). It’s true, my current profession pays my bills, gives me all the luxuries I want for myself (not being luxurious, my passion is simply to purchase 1st edition hard-bound books and legally-compiled music records)… but it sometimes fails to feed my soul. Not that I hate my current job/profession. I don’t hate it, but i cannot bring myself to say that I love it dearly and am driving myself hard to be the best in this field (although, I know, with the appropriate drive, I would probably give those yuppies a run for their careers).
Frustrating.
It’s uplifting to dream to cease who I am now, to dream that I am a great writer / painter / photographer / guitarist (now you know why multi-media artist) instead of being a corporate slave tied with the daily routines of computing someone’s compensation, or computing the company’s variance and scrutinizing the reasons for such variances. (I hope my boss doesn’t get to read this, as this might probably influence my Personnel Evaluation whatchamacallit.) But way back in college, I really do not know what I would like to be. That’s the big problem with not knowing what you want. Your parents can easily push you into doing something while expecting you to deliver the results they wanted, and you actually give them the highs they expected, ignorant of how those ‘expected’ results were achieved. And now, say, five years after graduating from college, after being supplied with all those fictional and non-fictional stories / ideas I got from reading those bloody books, I realize that I want to be someone else. The problem is… I’m too old to begin another career, and the ‘kingdom’ of multi-media artists is harder for me to penetrate since I am going to knock at their gates at a much later time than ideally expected.
So what am I to do now? I am posting on this blog page to share my pains and frustrations with the world. I know no one would care enough to read this, to spend some of their precious time reading this. But by telling this to the world, I believe my soul is somehow communing with the soul of the universe, and being sincere enough, the soul of the world would understand what I really wanted to say though my words understate what I truly feel inside. I know the universe will conspire to bring me to where I really belong. One day, I will be where I want to be and I will be who I want to be.
But for now, all I can afford to do is dream.
ON THE SIDE :
Why are beauty pageants formulating intellectual questions such as the one I suggested above? In UP Diliman, the questions for beauty pageants went like :
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What would you rather have, flat breasts or flat buttocks?
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What would you rather not have, dark underarms or dark gums?
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Which is sexier, having three over sized breasts or three over sized buttocks?
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And the list goes. Better ask those UPistas.
Say what you want to say about having a great intellect being tantamount to beauty, but for me, the physical and the tangible should not be equated with the intellectual and the intangible. Those are two very different things, and beauty pageants nowadays are nothing but quiz bees disguised as charitable projects, promoting ‘beauty and intellect’ and crowning, oftentimes than not, the most intellectual who happens to be not the most beautiful one. I suggest you organize a more agreeable kind of fund-raising activity—either a beauty pageant for those physically gifted ones or a quiz show for those intellectual creatures. Speaking for myself only. Because for an autistic like me, the world is nothing but black and white.
Ciao!
Letter to a Feverish Friend
The headlines are clear. Thank you for letting me know ALL THE POSSIBLE FACTS that could give me a valid license to comment on your situation. (Note : For those who are becoming paranoid, this is intended for she-knows-who-she-is-because-she-asked-for-my-opinion. So stop being paranoid and whack your heads on your PC tables instead, if you are beginning to think that this is for you.)
The answer is simple, my friend. Don’t you have a backbone, or would you like me to buy you one? Though the problem poses a very complicated emotion such as desire, the solution is easy—and that is for you to decide what you really want and accept the repercussions no matter how tragic/devastating they may be.
Before you decide, let me just tell you a few things, so as to aid you in weighing your options. The facts are, as far as I know, these :
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You are happily committed and about to get married.
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He is married (though I cannot assess the current state of his marriage life because we’re not acquainted).
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It all began with your problem of desire.
Based on the above, the problem is really in you. But to enlighten you a bit, if I may and if I can, given the same situation, I would just think about the blessing that what I have now in my current relationship is something that most people would wish to have—and it’s something that you can’t just throw away just because you saw this person and you desired him and he ’seems’ to desire you. Besides, he’s married. He may not tell you how happy or how miserable he is with his wife, but you are far more better than being a temptress. Note this fact, dear : YOU DON’T KNOW HIM COMPLETELY. Would you risk your reputation and become branded as the bitchy tart? Hello! I don’t know what to say. If I myself would have to slap you with a flyswatter on your cheeks just to wake you up, I would.
Now, we come to the exciting part. How not to desire this creature. Desire is a physiological thingie, I think. (Not being a psych major, I really don’t know what the appropriate terms are, so bear with me.) I think it is triggered by a biochemical reaction in your brains. How not to desire this person would cost you a fortune because that would mean you having to rearrange your brain cells. I think. You should watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I still don’t know what to say… How not to desire… Well, it’s a battle, and every time you see him, the desire would surely resurface (even if you thought it’s already gone, because that’s the way desire is). I would suggest you stay away from his usual hang-outs. The 50m radius distance is highly suggested. And if you see him, see right through him, as if he doesn’t exist. Never, ever, ever think of him or if you could, never, ever, ever entertain the thought of thinking about him. It’s easier said than done, I know. But if you could begin annihilating thim by this, then you’ll be doing yourself a great, great favor. On second thought… that’s really tough because the things you want to forget are the hardest to forget. Does it also apply to desire? The things you would opt not to desire are the hardest to resist? Could be. 
I don’t know what to say anymore, because I cannot see myself in your situation. (Read : I cannot empathize with you.) The best thing to say is…
I may give you all the reasons for you not to like him/desire him/burn for him/whatchamacallit. I myself may pull you away from him, if I see you coming to where he is. I may give you a cold shoulder if you don’t listen to me, and perhaps forget that we’re friends, really. The universe may conspire, the world may come together, and destiny will do its thing just to stop you from doing the things that you are not supposed to do, BUT ULTIMATELY, MY FRIEND, IT IS STILL YOUR CHOICE. So you better think about this hard, and choose wisely. And bring yourself a backbone when choosing.
About discipline… If you don’t begin to discipline yourself now, no one will… because no one can and no one has the sufficient right to discipline you—but you yourself alone.
One final thing. You shouldn’t have cultivated that desire in the first place.
Yes, you’re reading me right. IT’S ALL YOUR FREAKING FAULT and YOU ARE TO BLAME.
Journal Entry # 003
Don’t Stand So Close To Me
Performing Artist : The Police
From the Album : Every Breath You Take, The Singles
Young teacher, the subject of schoolgirl fantasy. She wants him so badly, knows what she wants to be. Inside her there’s longing–this girl’s an open page—book marking, she’s so close now. This girl is half his age. Her friends are so jealous, you know how bad girls get. Sometimes it’s not so easy to be the teacher’s pet. Temptation, frustration, so bad it makes him cry. Wet bus stop, she’s waiting. His car is warm and dry. Loose talk in the classroom to hurt, they try and try. Strong words in the staffroom—the accusations fly. It’s no use, he sees her. He starts to share, he starts to cough—just like the old man in that famous book by Nabokov. Don’t stand… don’t stand so… don’t stand so close to me.
Comments/Suggestions/Violent Reactions :
Sound trip again. One of those songs you dedicate to those who tempt you. Who tempts you? Let’s think. Yes, let’s. Let us set parameters. Yes, let’s. Let us tackle love and relationships. Yes, let’s.
CASE A : YOU – SINGLE; THE TEMPTATION – SINGLE BUT IN A RELATIONSHIP or
YOU –SINGLE; THE TEMPTATION — MARRIED
Case A.1 You don’t like the temptation
Ignore it.
Case A.2 You like the temptation
Case A.2.1 Temptation is single but in a relationship
Hell! Help yourself! You’re single, anyway. And besides, it’s the new millenium. No one gives a flying fuck if you’re branded a boyfriend/girlfriend snatcher. Just bear in mind that if he/she can be snatched away from his/her current partner, he/she can also be easily snatched away from you.
Case A.2.2 Temptation is married
Married and tempting? Most married persons really are, especially if they are decent, discreet, and epic womanizers/classic promiscuous married women. You’re single and available, and there are a lot of single persons around (but most of them are picky and choosy and do not tempt other people to liking them). Why let yourself be tempted by a married guy/girl? Suppress your emotions. Vent it out on music. Sing the song featured above.
CASE B : YOU – SINGLE BUT IN A RELATIONSHIP; THE TEMPTATION — SINGLE or
YOU – MARRIED; THE TEMPTATION : SINGLE
Case B.1 You don’t like the temptation
See A.1
Case B.2 You like the temptation
Case B.2.1 You are single but in a relationship
Think twice. There are persons who are martyrs (read : willing to be stand-bys or part-time lovers) and those who don’t enjoy shareware versions of the people they love. It’s either : a) you’ll be found out by your current girl/boyfriend and s/he’ll either dump you or play deadma (if s/he’s a martyr) or b) you’ll have fun because you’ll be the king/queen of ‘lusot.’ The first thing to do is to decide whether or not to succumb to temptation. And if you do, please have the guts/balls to tell your current girl/boyfriend that you’re swinging partners and that s/he should dump you because you’ve been an asshole/bitch.
Case B.2.2 You are married
Tough to analyse. I’ve never been married. Better ask those married creatures. Maybe, if you belong to this category, you should just sing Don’t Stand so Close to Me.
CASE C : BOTH OF YOU ARE SINGLE BUT IN A RELATIONSHIP or
BOTH OF YOU ARE MARRIED
Case C.1 You don’t like the temptation
See A.1
Case B.2 You like the temptation
Either you’re both single but in a relationship or you’re both married, the appropriate song is SECRET LOVERS. Enjoy the sound tripping.
A piece of advice : Don’t go swimming out in an open sea without you knowing how to reach the shores once the tides begin to rise.
