A Melting Pot of Whatevers
Dear Anna Gumamela,
I have a boyfriend and I love doing the deed with him. I also love girlie stuff like sexy stilettos and top-of-the-line make-up. Lately, I am beginning to get confused because I seem to be so fond of this female officemate of mine. One time, I could not resist, I hugged her from behind. I like her smell and simplicity. I want to ask her out for drinks but I am too confused. Am I a closet lesbian?
è Doubting Bombshell
Dear Doubting Bombshell,
Can you enjoy licking her, or any other female’s, pussy? Can you allow her or any other female to lick your genitals and enjoy it? If you answered yes to any of the preceding questions, you are AC/DC. Keep me posted.
è Anna Gumamela
Dear Anna Gumamela,
There’s this guy who bugs me every time he gets drunk, saying sweet things, close to a proposal for a relationship. When he’s already sober, he ignores me completely. I like him but it gets me so tired every time he does that. It’s happened five times in a span of two weeks ever since he got my mobile number! What do you call him and what do I do with him?
è Feeling Lambasted Control Freak
Dear Feeling Lambasted Control Freak,
What’s it with you that compels this guy to drink before hitting on you? Anyhootie… I asked my friends what they would call him and the answers varied from ‘hayop’ to ‘manggagamit.’ My answer is this: he has no balls, could possibly be one of the ‘torpe’ types; at worst, he could be an alcohol-dependent lunatic who falls into drinking spells and victimizes women every time he gets into one (he could have had other victims prior to you and could possibly be preying on other women minutes after he bugged you). My advice is that you ignore him completely and cease cultivating your affections until he gets the backbone to face you without the help of Jack Daniel.
è Anna Gumamela
Dear Anna Gumamela,
I am confused whether I will just let go of this girl or try to win her back. I said some things I should not have. I want her. I want another chance, but my male ego is getting the better of me. What should I do?
è Asshole
Dear Asshole,
Forget about your male ego for the mean time. Go after her! Apologize first and make sure you’re going to keep your blabbermouth at stealth mode. If this fails, try, try again. Then forget her. Our ego and pride should work like masks. It is all right to take them off once in a while, but we should never ever throw them away to glorify stupidity.
è Anna Gumamela
Dear Anna Gumamela,
What is the best thing to do when you are raging mad?
è Mad Max
Dear Mad Max,
You can either morph into Incredible Hulk or keep your emotions at bay. I suggest you do the latter. Keep thinking about the thing that made you mad until you get tired of thinking about it. Then you will feel that getting mad is a futile exercise. You will realize that confronting the person or facing the situation would only give you more matters to think about. If you value your time and your sanity, you’ll dismiss the thought of entertaining rage or holding grudges in the future. It is so much better to live lightly, smiling happily rather than wasting your time brooding, sulking and monitoring your blood pressure.
è Anna Gumamela
Dear Anna Gumamela,
How do I get rid of her completely? (Anna Gumamela’s Note: Full-length letter edited to protect sender’s privacy.)
è Haunted Lesbo
Dear Haunted Lesbo,
Make yourself invisible or kill her. Who you are dealing with has supernatural powers, as sensed by my ESP. It is time you maximize the benefits of your own innate abilities by evaporating every time you catch a glimpse of her. If this does not work, file a TRO at the nearest court, restraining her from getting near you within a radius of 100m; unless you consider being convicted for murder a much more convenient alternative.
è Anna Gumamela
Dear Anna Gumamela,
How do I get in touch with you, in case I’ll need some advice?
è In Case of Emergency
Dear In Case of Emergency,
You may email me at thecosmicmuffinapostle@yahoo.com or send your queries via Friendster messaging. Do not post your queries on this blog site, lest you want to disclose your true identity. Do not use the ‘Add a Comment’ link. Use the ‘Send a Message’ thingy. As for my mobile phone number, I do not give mobile numbers via satellite or World Wide Web. Chill!
è Anna Gumamela
Gumamela (Slightly) Unraveled
“Talking about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.”
–Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil
Full Name: Anna Gumamela Jose Jacinto-Jackman (Whapack!)
Nickname: Aj but I prefer to be called Anna Gumamela
Best thing about my family: No one cares what you do, but when you’re damned, everybody comes to the rescue.
Worst thing about my family: Nobody seems to be running out of opinions.
Best thing about Marilao, Bulacan: Home.
Worst thing about Marilao, Bulacan: Rainy season clogs drainages, making transportation difficult.
Best thing about DLSU-Manila: You can leave your valuables unattended anywhere within, I repeat, within, the campus and you are guaranteed they will not get lost. (This is way back in 1997-2001; I don’t know if the culture has already changed now that it’s already 2008.)
Worst thing about DLSU-Manila: Its population in the College of Liberal Arts. If you go to Miguel building, you will be swarmed by elitists and coñotics whose major dialect is Taglish and whose sentences are densely populated by the words ‘it’s like parang.’ It will make you scream like hell and run towards a concrete wall, slam your head hard just to drown their ‘it’s like parangs’ echoing in your mind. (Again, this is way back in 1997-2001.)
Nature of Work: Plastic bag and scratch paper collector, sideline of sitting in front a PC manipulating a software showcasing a window tapered with magnificent black gridlines set on a white backdrop. (I love my job, except the plastic bag and scratch paper collecting stuff.)
Best thing about my job: You manage your time.
Worst thing about my job: Monotonous.
Best thing about the company I work for: It’s an asylum of deviants, maniacs, and psychos, with no doctors to sedate anyone. You meet all the freaks in the world, and have fun with them knowing you belong.
Worst thing about the company I work for: Some people. Some maniacs assume I am also one, failing to differentiate me from them. I am merely a psycho-deviant.
Best thing about the Philippines: Climate is very suitable for plants like me.
Worst thing about the Philippines: Bloody elections.
Best thing about the Earth: So many wonderful places to go to, unlike other planets where you would only find rocks and red earth (Mars) or water (Neptune).
Worst thing about the Earth: It seems to be the only living planet in the Solar System. It would be nice to have neighbors, you know. J
Whatevers:
Sports I am into: Badminton, table tennis, swimming, kayaking, Kokak Relay Race, Drain the Pool
Sporting partners: Mister Penguin, Jedi Council
Sports I am not into, but I love anyway: Brawling.
Sports celebrities: My officemates Miss SPB and Miss Pancresa; Martina Hingis.
Favorite color: Yellow.
Favorite hang-out: Our house; Obi-Wan’s Cave; Tia Maria’s U.N. Avenue; Starbucks NLEX, Petron-Marilao
Favorite food: Japanese food (From maki rolls to tiramisu! I love it!); Pasta with white sauce; my mom’s mixed vegetables: carrots, green peas, singkamas, ubod ng buko and quail eggs mixed together, dressed with a thick paste of cooked Nestle cream and other secret spices and ingredients; balut; isaw.
Food I am not going to taste even if given a bribe of $1M: Aso. Yes, as in dog.
Favorite alcoholic beverages: Absolut (any variant); Cerveza Negra; San Mig Light; San Miguel Draft Beer; Chivas Regal; Gran Matador (Suicidal, suicidal…)
Favorite non-alcoholic beverages: Dutch Mill, natural flavor; distilled water; Yakult
Favorite drinking buddies: The Jedi Council; The Jacinto Saturday Club; office mates who get so animated when intoxicated; Mister Penguin
Best habit: Rationalizing
Worst habit: Smoking and swearing
Fiction characters: Remedios the Beauty from G.G. Marquez’s One Hundred Years of Solitude; Phoebe Caulfield from J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye; The Chief from Yukio Mishima’s The Sailor who fell from Grace with the Sea; Luca Brasi from Mario Puzo’s The Godfather; Gragnola from Umberto Eco’s The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana; Jacopo Belbo and Casaubon from Umberto Eco’s Foucault’s Pendulum; Anton Chigurgh of No Country For Old Men; Yellow 4, The Dark Prince, and Kenny of Bioman
Actors/Actresses: Aside from myself, Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson, John Travolta, Bruce Willis, Edward Norton, Robert Downey, Jr., Gerard Butler, Ralph Fiennes, Cate Blanchett, Judi Dench
Music Album: Hall and Oates, The Ultimate Collection; The Essential Santana; Andy Williams Moon River Collection
Most-Prized Possessions: My collection of original DVDs, audio CDs, and 1st Edition Books
Thing I wish I did not buy: Way back in high school, a cassette tape of Death Threat (Punyeta!)
Favorite Song: Wildflower (I don’t know who the hell did the original.)
Most hated music: Air Supply, April Boys, Death Threat (Mapapamura ka sa bwisit.)
Performing Artists: Seen live – Steve Lukather, Nyoy Volante, Bamboo, and Jed Madela; seen on DVD – Michael Buble, Luciano Pavarotti
Major Turn–on: Malagkit na tingin ng mga matang kumukuti-kutitap; look at me that way if you have really tantalizing eyes and I guarantee you, you will be my instant crushee
Major Turn–off: Puppy breath and icky teeth; even if you’re able to give me the ‘malagkit na tingin ng mga matang kumukuti-kutitap,’ it wouldn’t work if your breath brings to mind a weaning puppy and your teeth remind me of Orcs. (Something I wish to say to a gorgeous guy who has puppy breath and Orc teeth: Have you been neglecting your diet and oral care for decades?!)
Movies where I saw myself: The Aviator; The Godfather I and II; No Country for Old Men; Clueless
Craziest Film I have ever seen: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (One hell of a flick… it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever; it’s not even plausible—but it keeps you glued to your seat! I like it!!!)
Worst Film I have ever seen: Tasya Fantasya (‘Nyeta. Kung wala dun sila Jerry Codiñera, malamang eh na-comatose na ako.)
Topic of conversation: Anything under the sun except technology, current events, and history; but if you’ll keep me informed with those waterloos of mine, we’ll manage to shoot the lights out with you talking and talking and talking and I’ll listen until my eardrums bleed like freak.
Strength and Weakness: In no respective order: I have a damn good memory and a big blabbermouth.
Easiest thing to do: To do nothing, leaving things in a torrent of change.
Hardest thing to do: To sincerely forgive someone who has betrayed me.
Worst thing someone has ever said behind my back: Said by this obnoxious guy way back in college, “I know Aj’s bra size by heart.”
Worst thing I have ever said to someone behind his/her back: “I pray one day he will be shattered and a woman will help him pick the shards of his broken self.”
Worst thing someone has ever said to me: “You’re scary.” (Then again, in some cases, it is better to be feared than to be loved.)
Worst thing I have ever said to someone: “Ayoko sa iyo. Nakakadiri ka.”
Worst thing I have ever done: Leave a decade-long friend without a word or a trace. But I do not regret it, so how could it be the worst?
Thing I wish I have not done: Touch lives that, as things turned out, are better left untouched.
Best thing I have said to someone behind his/her back: “He/She is a wonderful person.”
Best thing someone has ever said to me: “I want to grow old with you.”
Best thing I have ever said to someone: “I will love you for the rest of my life.”
Noblest thing I have ever done: I did the right thing even if it almost drove me bonkers.
Thing I wish I could have done: Be a good sister to my younger sib when she was still alive.
More Whatevers:
Define love: It’s what the Italians call the thunderbolt—you get hit by it only once in a lifetime. All the clichés that are resurrected when someone talks about love (can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t breathe) are true. Yes, it defies all reasons and logic. It should be mad, passionate, extraordinary; anything less than that is just a form of temporary insanity.
Crushees: Space provided not enough. I have billions of them.
First kissee: Alin, ‘yung may malisya o ‘yung walang malisya? Hahaha!!!
Last kissee: Mister Penguin
First love: When you take into consideration my own definition of love as explicitly written above, it’s Mister Penguin.
Do you believe in long engagement: Yes. It gives you time to prepare yourself, breathe deep before you literally and figuratively take the plunge in a pool called marriage.
Most embarrassing experience, the latest: Laughing my butt off in a public transportation vehicle because of thee letters: MOP.
Greatest achievement: Passing the CPA board exam in November 2001, considering I graduated in September of the same year.
Greatest failure: Not having the balls to take uncalculated risks. (Note the qualifier, uncalculated, as opposed with calculated. I have to be always in control and certain of outcomes before I place my bets. Conclusion: I will never be a good gambler.)
Greatest dream: To be an underworld goddess.
Second greatest dream: To win the PCSO Lottery multi-million peso jackpot.
Third greatest dream: To be a sniper.
Thing I would never want to be: To be a spare tire, in every sense of the word.
Second thing I would never want to be: To be a garbage collector.
Third thing I would never want to be: To be a sanitation aide, even if I’ll work in a posh hotel earning Euros.
Best words of wisdom I have ever heard: From Spandau Ballet’s Lifeline: Live and let live and love; live and let die and love.
Worst words of wisdom I have ever heard: A man and a woman can never be good friends without any romance between them.
Worst advice I have given to someone: “Be like me.”
Best advice I could give to people: Set rules and values for yourself. Create your own laws. Never live your life after someone else’s. Be the master of your fate—and embrace it. (I sound like Nietzsche. What the hell. Great minds think alike!)
Level One Girl
I consider myself the Level One Girl. You are probably asking what exactly do I
mean by that. Here I go.
My reputation to the male population in the office borders between
being an autistic-lunatic who has a ghostly aura to a misandrist who doesn’t
give a flying fuck about trampling on male ego. I have many, as in hordes, of gorgeous male officemates who are
worthy of getting the dreamy look from females, and perhaps a pick-up line or
two, but not from me. There are also
males who mouth platitudes to girls, and some of them serve me that, but after
dropping a line or two, I deliver them an instant cut—no matter how gorgeous or
hot they are. Those whom I cannot cut,
I avoid by making myself invisible. Yes, I have supernatural powers.
I will not play the role of a hypocrite by trying to project
something I am not. I admit I do have
crushes even if I am one hell of a committed person. Most of them are in Hollywood, one in GM Proponents of Artists,
Inc. (I think this guy from GM is not only my crush, but my love, my dear, my
amore… har-har!), very few in
billboards and hordes of nameless, faceless gorgeous males I would never see
again for I have merely met them by the cab bay, in the mall, or across the
street. I would go further in exposing
myself as to admitting that I do have crushes in the office—men I see whenever
their shift jives with mine, enough to give me a high by just realizing how
genetics can really be a proof of God’s existence (I see those gorgeous male
officemates as products of perfectly-matched genes—the hybrid offspring of Mr.
and Mrs. Whoever and God permitted the pairing to happen so women will have something
nice to look at, aside from fabulous shoes and bags). I have crushes but all of them are good for Level One consumption
only.
And what exactly is Level One? It is being content by just seeing the gorgeous guy, not giving
room in getting to know him better, building a thick transparent wall that
alienates me from him, thus making cultivating deeper emotions impossible. I never go beyond Level One. It is my choice to do so. I believe all committed people are left
without any choices but to stay in Level One and stick with that, if they are
determined to make their relationships last.
Problem with going beyond Level One, and this is faced by
both available and taken creatures, is tending to want more. Say, you see this gorgeous guy. At Level One, you are content with just
seeing him and knowing that he is around. He greets you and that gives you a natural high that you jump up and
down like a happy pink bunny. You are
content with that. You consider the
greetings as simply a bonus. Then,
something happens. This guy who makes
you jump up and down, for a reason you cannot comprehend, asks for your mobile
number. Should you give it to him? Let’s say you give him your number. Then, the agony of waiting for his messages
or call shall begin to torment you. When you respond to his messages or when you initiate a conversation via
SMS and he does not keep his messages coming, you start getting paranoid. You will eventually transform yourself into
this manic-depressive human being that is close to someone smitten and hoping
to get to Level Three. After Level
Three, whatever Level Three has in store for you, and surpassing other levels,
you begin to entertain the thought of intimacy or a possible relationship
(whichever comes first; intimacy comes first if you are a sexual person). Once you go beyond Level One, you have the
impulse to stay in the upper level, not wanting to go back to the lower level. If you cannot stay in the upper level, you
either sing “Waiting Game” or you step off the ladder feeling defeated and
exhausted. This leveling up is the
reason why many women are heart-broken. (Actually, it applies to men as well. But most men are pigs, let’s admit it. Women, being often irrational and have no sense of accountability, tend
to brood over things like flirtation and romance. Women always have questions in mind that will have no answers
while men tend to go on with their lives as if nothing happened, humming the
motto ‘Move on. The ratio of males to
females favors men, so why should I stick with one who does not want me?’ Wait, I’m losing my point.) This is an irrefutable fact: leveling up leads
to two possible outcomes. Either you
end up making the gorgeous guy the constant source of happiness in your life or
he ends up as just one of the numerous men who are not meant to stay.
Simply put, leveling up is a risk. Some end up in matrimony. But if the guy you leveled-up with does not have the same
wavelength as you do, that’s just another Armageddon for you. (Getting out of relationships is like
experiencing the end of the world. But
we always go into one when given the chance because we always hope to find
someone who will put an end to the cycle of going through Judgment Days, being
hopeless romantics that we are.) What
happens to the usual Level One satisfaction you derive? It is gone forever. You will never see that gorgeous guy the same
way again as you did when you were still a happy jumping pink bunny.
I am not saying that leveling up is self-flagellation. I am saying that choosing to level-up is a
brave decision. One subjects the self
to a roller-coaster ride of emotions which poses a lot of confusion even when
one is unattached. If it is harmful to
those who are not committed, imagine what it can do to those who already are.
For me, leveling up is a no-no, not because I am a coward
and I do not want to subject my vulnerable self to the agonies of
infidelity. I will not deny that
sometimes I, too, no matter how steadfastly I hold on to my Penguin Promise, am
tempted to go beyond level one. But one
thing I learned from flirting while you are in a relationship is that you have choices
whether to turn a blind eye on that temptation or to confront it head on. I wouldn’t say I never considered
confronting temptations head on. I did
consider that at one point in my life; too much that I even wished I am not
committed so I can do whatever I want. I am not a saint, for Christ’s sake. But then, when things were beginning to get murky in my mind, I began to
think about hurting the one I love. I
wondered then, was that choice a matter of being rational or was it really true
love? Falling in love is not a
choice. When it hits you, it hits you
and you can’t stop it from happening. But when you are already with someone you are comfortable with, someone
whom you would not be ashamed of passing gas with, someone you can show your
hairy armpits to because you were too lazy to shave, someone who can sit with
you all day even if you are stinking like hell and still say that you smell
nice, you look gorgeous, and you will always be beautiful in his eyes even if
you pass gas, don’t shave, and don’t take a bath, you feel something—that fleeting
magical feeling that makes you whisper a prayer and thank God how wonderful
living really is—you will choose to drop the temptation and convert yourself to
a plant whenever your significant other is not around.
What I have is perfect, in every sense of the word. Being human is a handy excuse when one
succumbs to temptations. But believe
me, nothing tastes better than a temptation which you decided to not to yield
to—that exact moment when you decided to be more than just an animal, to
overcome your being just a human and become godly. (Human beings are overrated. We are animals, for God’s sake. Careful. If you do not use my philosophy
sparingly, you will be lured to the Dark Side of The Force and become a Sith
Lord.) I refuse temptations for the
right reason: out of love, respect, and honor to my partner—realizing that
hurting him would hurt me twice as much and he cheating on me would definitely
drive me insane. There are many other
reasons. Define certainty. Define contentment. Define better world. You have to go through what I have been to
be able to define those three concepts. Once you are able to define them, you will agree with me in believing
that perfect relationships are possible. Not because of chance or a great amount of love. Surely, there are emotions involved in
creating a perfect relationship, but if you give it a thorough thinking,
reasoning and having the backbone to stand by one’s choices are the ingredients
that make perfection in relationships possible. You can create perfect relationships in this generation, no
matter how technologically advanced and cynical this world has become, if only you
have enough courage to want to make it happen. If you have that, there are two of us. We are not too far from making this planet a Pleasantville.
Most people in our generation are anti-nice, anti-cheerful,
anti-goody-goody creatures claiming that being always in the right path is boring
and corny. But tell me, what is corny
with being nice, cheerful, and goody-goody, always on the right path? Are we not yet sick and tired of too much
chaos in this planet that we are seemingly craving for more? (Preachy Gumamela, you would say. But to hell. Those of you who do not want peace and serenity are those who
have never experienced a tremendous amount of love or pain.) Or are we just too bombarded by self-demeaning
ideologies that we camouflage our cowardice with cynicism? Having no history can be boring, but boredom
is a phase we all go through no matter what we do or where we are. Think about it.
Life without ‘spices,’ spices as people in the office call
infidelity, is dull. But do you really
need ‘spices’ to enjoy life? Do you
really need that to be able to say you are living life at its fullest? It is true, we only live once and we should
sometimes take the road less taken to be able to know who we really are. But in exceptional cases, it is better to
take the safe road and lose the experience you may gain on the other bend than risk
something you know you will only find once in a lifetime. Frankly put, those who cannot stay in Level
One are those who are just looking for excitement, stuck in their stagnant
relationships that they overlook the fact that the magic word is contentment. Words of wisdom from Mister Penguin, when we
were beginning to treat each other like furniture and I was beginning to
complain about it: “Sometimes you think
the magic is gone, but it is still there. You just have to stick your hand in the hat and look for the bunny.”
Yet still, I have always wanted the idea of keeping numerous
males, aside from Mister Penguin, who are nice to look at, whose presence alone
is enough to send me catapulting to cloud nine, someone distant, and someone I cannot
have, someone meant to be an icon, to be revered and not to be touched. In real life, it is impossible to have this ‘icon
cum All Spark’ that’s why I undoubtedly prefer my crushes in Hollywood over my ‘tangible’
crushes. Hollywood hunks are forever
there and they will always give women a good day when one had a bantering from
her boss and her partner is not around that there is no one to vent the high
blood pressure to. (Mister Penguin is mostly
out of town on weekdays due to unpredictable work schedule. I like it when he goes away. It allows me to have dates with Hugh
Jackman, Al Pacino, Bruce Willis, Liam Neeson, Edward Norton, Gerard Butler,
etc al. I just have to turn on the
television and DVD player and voila… romance. Yes, romance, even if I’m seeing The Jackal because I feel that Bruce
Willis and I have this certain connection.) The wonders of Hollywood guys: Natural high minus the emotional, psychological, and spiritual torture—minus
the risks. 100% satisfaction
guaranteed.
An anecdote:
On a smoking session with my cubicle-mate Mike, he asked me,
“What if someone who looks like Hugh Jackman approaches you and courts you?”
I replied, “Just a look-alike? He’ll get a direct cut. He
has to be Hugh Jackman.”
“That will never happen, but okay. Let’s say it’s Hugh Jackman,” he said, modifying the situation.
“Hmmm… Hugh Jackman
for a one-night stand, definitely! But
for a lifetime companion, no one beats the Penguin.”
“What would the Penguin say with a one night stand with
Wolverine?”
“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. I wouldn’t mind as well if he sleeps with Liv Tyler one time. But if it’s going to happen twice, I swear
to God I’ll kill her.”
Then we both stubbed out our cigarettes and resumed to work
mode.
It is always nice to close musings with words of
conviction. This might not be the most
brilliant thing you will read in your entire life, but I suggest you give it a
thought.
It takes courage to face the hurt and pains relationships
have to offer, courage to create a lasting relationship, ward off temptations,
and stick with the relationship, keep the music playing, as the song suggests. But it only takes one thing to destroy one
sure means to making this world a better place to live in: to be simply human.
his guy deserves every decent project he can get every time he gets out of rehab.
